Bolehkah dilemma ini diselesaikan?

Seperti yang anda telah baca dalam paparan blog yang lalu, telah saya menceritakan tentang seseorang yang mempunyai perasaan terhadap saya. Namun, apa yang dirasakan oleh kami berdua adalah berbeza sama sekali. Selaku seorang yang lebih rela berterus-terang, saya telah mengumpulkan segala keberanian yang mampu dikumpulkan dan menerangkan kepada seseorang itu bahawa kami hanya dapat menjadi kawan. Selebih-lebihnya pun setakat kawan baik atau bagaikan abang dan adik. Tetapi setelah beberapa minggu serta selepas WLC'08, saya berasa yang seseorang itu masih tidak memahami maksud saya. Pada mulanya memang ada rasa kesal kerana mengajak seseorang itu menyertai WLC tetapi saya telah mengabaikan kekesalan itu.

Kadang kala saya tertanya sama ada seseorang itu memahami maksud saya. Atau dia sengaja tidak mahu memahami apa yang telah saya jelaskan. Ataupun seseorang itu masih menyimpan harapan yang keajaiban akan berlaku? Adakah begitu susah untuk menerima kenyataan yang hubungan ini tidak akan berkembang menjadi satu cerita dongeng seperti yang sering kita lihat di kaca tv. Kadang kala kenyataan adalah susah diterima, tetapi kita mesti menerimanya dengan hati terbuka.

Mungkin anda akan tertanya-tanya mengapa saya tidak memberi peluang kepada seseorang itu dan cuba menerimanya. Wahai para pembaca, saya telah mengemukakan penjelasan saya dalam paparan blog bertarikh 16 March 2008. Selain itu, WLC'08 telah meyakinkan saya yang kami memang tidak akan mempunyai kesudahan yang baik jika kami bersama. Bukan sahaja penhujungnya, tetapi... saya lebih jelas dengan apa yang saya mahukan dan tidak terfikir dalam otak kompleks ini yang saya akan bersamanya. Terdapat jurang berbezaan yang teramat luas diantara kami yang tidak dapat saya jelaskan.

Satu tindakannya telah membuka mata saya tentang keadaan dilemma ini. Setelah kami pulang dari WLC saya ditanya satu soalan yang memberitahu saya yang dilemma ini masih belum diselesaikan. Seseorang itu telah bertanya sama ada dia telah melakukan apa-apa kesilapan. Soalan itu memang mengejutkan saya. Dia berasa yang saya telah mengabaikannya. Terkejut? Memang terkejut. Anda mungkin tertanya-tanya bagaimana saya hendak menyelesaikan masalah ini. Well...saya masih memikirkan jalan keluar.

Sejak kebelakangan ini, saya memang dengan tidak sengaja tidak mengendahkannya. Tapi tidak tahu sama ada seseorang itu perasan atau tidak. Saya juga tidak perasan pada mulanya sehingga kawan saya mengemukakan kemungkinan itu. Sehingga kini saya hanya terfikir dua jalan penyelesaian. Tetapi sesuatu mesti dikorbankan untuk menyelesaikan dilemma ini. Saya tidak akan menyatakan jalan penyelesaian disini. Biarlah anda fikir sendiri apa yang patut dilakukan. Mungkin anda boleh memberi sedikit nasihat dan pendapat yang anda fikir boleh membantu dalam situasi ini.

Sekian terima kasih

I survived WLC ' 08!!

Every now and then, we'll see advert or hear people talk about adventure racing. Not only that, with Astro we were more exposed to such sport. However, watching and seeing so much coverage about these events don't really excites me. Neither did the thought of participating in one crosses my mine.

Well, life is full of surprises. On 30 March 2008, I signed up for Wilderness Langkawi Challenge 2008. I've never heard of this event until my colleague told me about it. She was the one who initiated the participation. So, we had a couple of kayaking and hiking sessions to prepare ourselves for the race. Since we are all newbies, we'd signed up for the "Slow and Steady" category. The course of our race would cover 12km of trail running and kayaking. We were also asked to prepare ourselves for some surprise elements during the race. Not knowing what it is going to be....we didn't give much thought about it.

So, came 2nd May 2008, we took a ferry to Langkawi Island. I was in a team with a friend while my colleague was in a team with a friend of hers. So there's 2 teams here. When we reach the hotel which is part of the organizing committee, we were intimidated with the sight of fit looking participants. Almost everyone there looked more prepared than us. Since it's the pre-race day, all participants are required to go for skill tests. It is more of familiarizing with the equipments and prepare us of what we're going to go through during the race. At night, we had a pre-race briefing whereby each team is given a map according to their categories. After that it was bed time as breakfast would be serve at 4-6 am...

3 May 2008 - Race Day

All participants were ferry to Pulau Tuba, on of the islands near Pulau Langkawi. The atmosphere at the base camp was pretty intense. About 8.20am we started off. With the media both on land and on air (we had sponsoring choppers) covering the whole event, it felt like this race is such a huge event. So we started off trail running and some minor hikes into the hills of Pulau Tuba. Then we descend down to our 2nd check point which is the beach. Took my team about 1hr 45mins to get to the beach. From there we had to kayak to a ship waiting for us in the middle of the sea near some surrounding islands. On the ship we were required to walk on ropes and steel pipes to get to the other side of the ship. Then we had to walk the plank....Yes we had to jump into the sea from the ship. Not the best jump but a way to overcome your fear of heights. It's a free fall. We swam to get our kayak and then paddle back to the base camp and ran towards the finishing line. At the finishing line, 100+ never taste so good before. It was the best drink at that time.

The feeling of completing the race itself is amazing. I didn't think that I'll survive but I did. It's and achievement. Oh I tried abseiling as well. This event is truly and eye opener for me. It is also a discovery for me as I never have thought I will go to such extend to participate in this event. Starwalk and Penang Bridge Run was never appealing to me. But somehow WLC was. Ah well, I must be crazy then. I have a lot of fun and meeting new people is always a pleasure. Will definitely do it again next year.....

The the smell of freedom is stronger than commitment....

After being an 'entity of my own' for a while now, I've been enjoying the freedom that I've had ever since I'd left college. Of course during the distance period of my seperation with someone whom I've shared and learnt a lot, I'd longed to belong again. Yet it was all for a short time. Soon I was kept busy with studies and exams. After that was work. With the new found permission to 'fly' I've had the blessings of meeting a lot of people and do the things that I haven't had the change to during the time I was under the 'care' of my parents. Care here means depending on them monetarily.

With that, I've found myself new friends and also found people which I can hang out with during the weekends for movies or stuff. As time goes by, our bonds become stronger. It was to the extend that I had treated these friends like my very good friends. Then one day I realised, one of them has something more to friends. Like I've mentioned before, my realisation was put down as me thinking too much. Soon things was more obvious but I just couldn't leave these people. Why? It's because I was afraid that leaving them would mean loosing them. They are a good bunch of people to be with.

Just the other day , I was cleaning my room and the thought came to my mind. Suddenly I felt scared. Scared of hurting people's feelings. I've done that before and I really didn't want that to happen again. What more, I suddenly felt that I wasn't ready to give up my freedom of being 'untied'. I felt that I wanted to 'fly' longer. Of course it is nice to know that there's some one out there who cared and likes you. But how can you open up your hand and let that person walk in to your life knowing that you will one day hurt him?? I don't have that kind of heart to do that. And neither am I that cunning. It'll definitely not be a win - win situation. Cause at the end of the day, one will be hurt and also a friendship lost unless both had a mutual understanding and agreement to let go. Sadly, such event rarely happen.

I believe the question of why can't I just give it a try is swimming in your mind.

Well, why should I lead a person to suffering when the person is innocent? Why must I give it a try when I know in the end I will throw it away? Why do I have to force myself to give others a chance when I know there are so many better options for that person? Do you think it is fair to be in a relationship with a person whom you have no feelings for? Wouldn't all that be a waste of time? Why can't we just be good friends? Why does things have to get so complicated? Why? Why? Why?

For the record, I know that this person had gone through a tough ride in the relationship department. That makes it even harder for me as I really really didn't want to let history repeats itself and neither do I want to see that person in a sad position. I just like the good times we had hanging out together. Be it the 3 of us or the 4 of us or just the 2 of us. I really didn't want to fool around with feelings and money as well. Gosh....why do things have to get so complicated? Tough lesson to learn.

After all that'd happened, I'm really sorry that this things had to happen this way. I really felt bad and I felt that I've owed a huge debt. I really am at a crossroad of life..........................

It is the night that I can't sleep

I'm stuck in a crossroad now. In a situation which I do not know if what I'm doing is right or wrong. And this is the cause of me not being able to go to sleep even thought I'm dead sleepy right now.

It all happened months back when I've already realise he's had something for me. I just had to brush it aside with the excuse that I was thinking too much. In other words, syiok sendiri. I've even tried talking to a friend of his. But I was told that I'm just thinking too much and too sensitive of things that is going on. Fine.. So I had that thought dumped into the river of unwanted thinking.

As we go along the way came the day where bouquets are delivered to homes, offices and presented to ladies around the world marking the day of St Valentine. In an unsuspecting position, I was presented a bouquet. I was at a real crossroad at the time. How can I accept a gift and rejecting a person at the same time? And so I said my thank you and at the same time pour 'cold water' towards the person who presented me the gift. I know he was hurt but I being a 'mean' person didn't know what to do. After that, things just go on as usual.

Week after week, we hung out during the weekends. During those times, I tried hard not to give out any signs which would misled him into thinking that I was interested in the in the way he is in me. Since I tend to hangout with 2 person most of the time, I of course take it as a normal friends lepaking session. But sometimes, it was just the 2 of us. As much as I try to avoid, I sometimes had to choose whether to leave him alone or go out with him since I treat them both like brothers. So in the situation whereby your own brother just wanna go out and chill... I'm sure you wouldn't leave him alone. What more during the weekends. And so that's how I ended up with him during the weekends. Despite the fact that I saw clear intentions, I really didn't know how to turn it around except to brush things aside and pretend that nothing was going on or pretending that I do not know what exactly was going on.

Tonight, he had bought me a box of dark chocolate. If only he'd called and asked me to go get it from him, I may not have felt so bad. Neither would I got mad and made him felt bad for putting me in an uninvited situation. It's because I didn't want my whole household to know about what's going on. And I felt bad and quilty for just accepting and yet rejecting at the same time..... Some of you may wonder why can't I just accept him and give him a chance. Well , my dear readers, I'll explain more on the next blog since I won't be sleeping so early on this Sunday night......

a dream that i had dreamt of........

It was such a weird situation whereby I was walking alone in a huge shopping mall. Everything was different from what we can see in the mall that we have in Penang. I was surprised that I had ended up in that place ALONE!!! I've never gone shopping alone before.

Apart from being alone, in my hand I have a what I would call a gigantic lollipop. It's in the shape of a paper fan. The designs on the lollipop is very nice with little floral decorations over the green background of the sweet. I was happily munching away the lollipop and I can across a shop. One section of it is a hair salon. While the other section is like a little garden. Think garden land scaping. The door of the shop was at the back part and not in front. After browsing around the shop, I continue my venture around the mall. Went in and out of shops.

Out of a sudden, I was approached by him. Oh my, he was looking so so so good. He's grown so tall and man oh man he looked so hot with his toned body. Only God knows how good looking he was at that time. It has been a while since we met up. Seeing him there and then was nice. However, it was the closeness that we shared that had made me felt like we're together again. With his hand resting on my shoulders, we chatted and I was about to ask him that question......... CRACK!! I woke up from my beautiful dream... I tried to find him but it just wasn't meant for me to ask.....

Yet, I am very curious as to why he had to come back into my dream again? Have I not let it go and moved on? Only time can show me what it meant.....

The year where family unites

Well, well....15 days of Chinese New Year celebration has finally come to an end. No more firecrakers going off in the nights and fireworks lighting up the dark skies. What more, it also means it's the end of endless gambling and drinking nights. It's been a tradition whereby relatives and friends go over to each other's house to gamble and have a good time. So the next round would be next year.

As for the title, you must be wondering why I had put it that way. It's because last year we didn't have a big reunion due to a lot of misunderstandings and irrelavant disputes between the generation before mine. In the end we only had a small family reunion which is a lot of fun as my dad was enjoying himself telling us stories of his younger days and his adventures. We had a good time listening to him and boy, did we laughed till we teared.

This year as usual Penang would have it's own CNY Open House every year. This year it was held on 16 February 2008. The theme for this year's event is about the special events celebrated in the chinese calendar year. For example Chinese New Year, Dragon Boat Festival and Mooncake Festival. Although this event is being held every year, this year's set up has been a let down. The decorations weren't as nice as the previous ones and the performances were lacking.

On the 15th day, a small celebration was held near the Penang Chinese Town Hall whereby a stage was setted up and filled with performances such as choir, traditional dances and of course lion dances. In front of the Kuan Yin Temple, was a small shrine where the public can throw oranges into the man-made wishing well with the hopes that their wish would come true. And for the finale, fireworks was realised for almost 20 minutes. The night was brightened up by the colourful display.

In a nutshell, this year's CNY celebration is pretty okay for me.... there's nothing exciting that catches my interest. Ah will just wait for next year.....

When you work with the fullness of heart, the golden heart, you find things are being done right you never realized were being done right. This occurs when there is balance and you have the perception to see the true value of things that come into your life.
—Harold KlempThe Language of Soul