The the smell of freedom is stronger than commitment....

After being an 'entity of my own' for a while now, I've been enjoying the freedom that I've had ever since I'd left college. Of course during the distance period of my seperation with someone whom I've shared and learnt a lot, I'd longed to belong again. Yet it was all for a short time. Soon I was kept busy with studies and exams. After that was work. With the new found permission to 'fly' I've had the blessings of meeting a lot of people and do the things that I haven't had the change to during the time I was under the 'care' of my parents. Care here means depending on them monetarily.

With that, I've found myself new friends and also found people which I can hang out with during the weekends for movies or stuff. As time goes by, our bonds become stronger. It was to the extend that I had treated these friends like my very good friends. Then one day I realised, one of them has something more to friends. Like I've mentioned before, my realisation was put down as me thinking too much. Soon things was more obvious but I just couldn't leave these people. Why? It's because I was afraid that leaving them would mean loosing them. They are a good bunch of people to be with.

Just the other day , I was cleaning my room and the thought came to my mind. Suddenly I felt scared. Scared of hurting people's feelings. I've done that before and I really didn't want that to happen again. What more, I suddenly felt that I wasn't ready to give up my freedom of being 'untied'. I felt that I wanted to 'fly' longer. Of course it is nice to know that there's some one out there who cared and likes you. But how can you open up your hand and let that person walk in to your life knowing that you will one day hurt him?? I don't have that kind of heart to do that. And neither am I that cunning. It'll definitely not be a win - win situation. Cause at the end of the day, one will be hurt and also a friendship lost unless both had a mutual understanding and agreement to let go. Sadly, such event rarely happen.

I believe the question of why can't I just give it a try is swimming in your mind.

Well, why should I lead a person to suffering when the person is innocent? Why must I give it a try when I know in the end I will throw it away? Why do I have to force myself to give others a chance when I know there are so many better options for that person? Do you think it is fair to be in a relationship with a person whom you have no feelings for? Wouldn't all that be a waste of time? Why can't we just be good friends? Why does things have to get so complicated? Why? Why? Why?

For the record, I know that this person had gone through a tough ride in the relationship department. That makes it even harder for me as I really really didn't want to let history repeats itself and neither do I want to see that person in a sad position. I just like the good times we had hanging out together. Be it the 3 of us or the 4 of us or just the 2 of us. I really didn't want to fool around with feelings and money as well. Gosh....why do things have to get so complicated? Tough lesson to learn.

After all that'd happened, I'm really sorry that this things had to happen this way. I really felt bad and I felt that I've owed a huge debt. I really am at a crossroad of life..........................

It is the night that I can't sleep

I'm stuck in a crossroad now. In a situation which I do not know if what I'm doing is right or wrong. And this is the cause of me not being able to go to sleep even thought I'm dead sleepy right now.

It all happened months back when I've already realise he's had something for me. I just had to brush it aside with the excuse that I was thinking too much. In other words, syiok sendiri. I've even tried talking to a friend of his. But I was told that I'm just thinking too much and too sensitive of things that is going on. Fine.. So I had that thought dumped into the river of unwanted thinking.

As we go along the way came the day where bouquets are delivered to homes, offices and presented to ladies around the world marking the day of St Valentine. In an unsuspecting position, I was presented a bouquet. I was at a real crossroad at the time. How can I accept a gift and rejecting a person at the same time? And so I said my thank you and at the same time pour 'cold water' towards the person who presented me the gift. I know he was hurt but I being a 'mean' person didn't know what to do. After that, things just go on as usual.

Week after week, we hung out during the weekends. During those times, I tried hard not to give out any signs which would misled him into thinking that I was interested in the in the way he is in me. Since I tend to hangout with 2 person most of the time, I of course take it as a normal friends lepaking session. But sometimes, it was just the 2 of us. As much as I try to avoid, I sometimes had to choose whether to leave him alone or go out with him since I treat them both like brothers. So in the situation whereby your own brother just wanna go out and chill... I'm sure you wouldn't leave him alone. What more during the weekends. And so that's how I ended up with him during the weekends. Despite the fact that I saw clear intentions, I really didn't know how to turn it around except to brush things aside and pretend that nothing was going on or pretending that I do not know what exactly was going on.

Tonight, he had bought me a box of dark chocolate. If only he'd called and asked me to go get it from him, I may not have felt so bad. Neither would I got mad and made him felt bad for putting me in an uninvited situation. It's because I didn't want my whole household to know about what's going on. And I felt bad and quilty for just accepting and yet rejecting at the same time..... Some of you may wonder why can't I just accept him and give him a chance. Well , my dear readers, I'll explain more on the next blog since I won't be sleeping so early on this Sunday night......

a dream that i had dreamt of........

It was such a weird situation whereby I was walking alone in a huge shopping mall. Everything was different from what we can see in the mall that we have in Penang. I was surprised that I had ended up in that place ALONE!!! I've never gone shopping alone before.

Apart from being alone, in my hand I have a what I would call a gigantic lollipop. It's in the shape of a paper fan. The designs on the lollipop is very nice with little floral decorations over the green background of the sweet. I was happily munching away the lollipop and I can across a shop. One section of it is a hair salon. While the other section is like a little garden. Think garden land scaping. The door of the shop was at the back part and not in front. After browsing around the shop, I continue my venture around the mall. Went in and out of shops.

Out of a sudden, I was approached by him. Oh my, he was looking so so so good. He's grown so tall and man oh man he looked so hot with his toned body. Only God knows how good looking he was at that time. It has been a while since we met up. Seeing him there and then was nice. However, it was the closeness that we shared that had made me felt like we're together again. With his hand resting on my shoulders, we chatted and I was about to ask him that question......... CRACK!! I woke up from my beautiful dream... I tried to find him but it just wasn't meant for me to ask.....

Yet, I am very curious as to why he had to come back into my dream again? Have I not let it go and moved on? Only time can show me what it meant.....