It is the night that I can't sleep

I'm stuck in a crossroad now. In a situation which I do not know if what I'm doing is right or wrong. And this is the cause of me not being able to go to sleep even thought I'm dead sleepy right now.

It all happened months back when I've already realise he's had something for me. I just had to brush it aside with the excuse that I was thinking too much. In other words, syiok sendiri. I've even tried talking to a friend of his. But I was told that I'm just thinking too much and too sensitive of things that is going on. Fine.. So I had that thought dumped into the river of unwanted thinking.

As we go along the way came the day where bouquets are delivered to homes, offices and presented to ladies around the world marking the day of St Valentine. In an unsuspecting position, I was presented a bouquet. I was at a real crossroad at the time. How can I accept a gift and rejecting a person at the same time? And so I said my thank you and at the same time pour 'cold water' towards the person who presented me the gift. I know he was hurt but I being a 'mean' person didn't know what to do. After that, things just go on as usual.

Week after week, we hung out during the weekends. During those times, I tried hard not to give out any signs which would misled him into thinking that I was interested in the in the way he is in me. Since I tend to hangout with 2 person most of the time, I of course take it as a normal friends lepaking session. But sometimes, it was just the 2 of us. As much as I try to avoid, I sometimes had to choose whether to leave him alone or go out with him since I treat them both like brothers. So in the situation whereby your own brother just wanna go out and chill... I'm sure you wouldn't leave him alone. What more during the weekends. And so that's how I ended up with him during the weekends. Despite the fact that I saw clear intentions, I really didn't know how to turn it around except to brush things aside and pretend that nothing was going on or pretending that I do not know what exactly was going on.

Tonight, he had bought me a box of dark chocolate. If only he'd called and asked me to go get it from him, I may not have felt so bad. Neither would I got mad and made him felt bad for putting me in an uninvited situation. It's because I didn't want my whole household to know about what's going on. And I felt bad and quilty for just accepting and yet rejecting at the same time..... Some of you may wonder why can't I just accept him and give him a chance. Well , my dear readers, I'll explain more on the next blog since I won't be sleeping so early on this Sunday night......