The the smell of freedom is stronger than commitment....

After being an 'entity of my own' for a while now, I've been enjoying the freedom that I've had ever since I'd left college. Of course during the distance period of my seperation with someone whom I've shared and learnt a lot, I'd longed to belong again. Yet it was all for a short time. Soon I was kept busy with studies and exams. After that was work. With the new found permission to 'fly' I've had the blessings of meeting a lot of people and do the things that I haven't had the change to during the time I was under the 'care' of my parents. Care here means depending on them monetarily.

With that, I've found myself new friends and also found people which I can hang out with during the weekends for movies or stuff. As time goes by, our bonds become stronger. It was to the extend that I had treated these friends like my very good friends. Then one day I realised, one of them has something more to friends. Like I've mentioned before, my realisation was put down as me thinking too much. Soon things was more obvious but I just couldn't leave these people. Why? It's because I was afraid that leaving them would mean loosing them. They are a good bunch of people to be with.

Just the other day , I was cleaning my room and the thought came to my mind. Suddenly I felt scared. Scared of hurting people's feelings. I've done that before and I really didn't want that to happen again. What more, I suddenly felt that I wasn't ready to give up my freedom of being 'untied'. I felt that I wanted to 'fly' longer. Of course it is nice to know that there's some one out there who cared and likes you. But how can you open up your hand and let that person walk in to your life knowing that you will one day hurt him?? I don't have that kind of heart to do that. And neither am I that cunning. It'll definitely not be a win - win situation. Cause at the end of the day, one will be hurt and also a friendship lost unless both had a mutual understanding and agreement to let go. Sadly, such event rarely happen.

I believe the question of why can't I just give it a try is swimming in your mind.

Well, why should I lead a person to suffering when the person is innocent? Why must I give it a try when I know in the end I will throw it away? Why do I have to force myself to give others a chance when I know there are so many better options for that person? Do you think it is fair to be in a relationship with a person whom you have no feelings for? Wouldn't all that be a waste of time? Why can't we just be good friends? Why does things have to get so complicated? Why? Why? Why?

For the record, I know that this person had gone through a tough ride in the relationship department. That makes it even harder for me as I really really didn't want to let history repeats itself and neither do I want to see that person in a sad position. I just like the good times we had hanging out together. Be it the 3 of us or the 4 of us or just the 2 of us. I really didn't want to fool around with feelings and money as well. Gosh....why do things have to get so complicated? Tough lesson to learn.

After all that'd happened, I'm really sorry that this things had to happen this way. I really felt bad and I felt that I've owed a huge debt. I really am at a crossroad of life..........................